Pre Season Match Report – (can you work it out?)

Once upon a time in a kingdom two hours away, there was a small midlands town that had been invaded by a tomahawk-wielding bandit and his army of bees.

King Bryn, who was too busy hunting stags, decided to send his best men, led by Prince Tew and Merplim the wizard, to combat the threat. Morty the Jester tagged along too.

The men set off at the crack of dawn. After a brief respite for stretching and mini-feasting, the troop arrived in the outskirts of the town and setup camp. Movement was seen in the town and the bandit and his bees emerged. The troop noted the superior size and strength of the enemy and had been told of their skill, so would not face them lightly. Armour was donned and tactics decided. The brave men then took to the field, lining-up against their adversaries for the first time.

A conveniently positioned and apparently impartial bystander blew his horn and battle was commenced.

The bees swarmed all over our brave adventurers and the bandit swatted men aside with his tomahawk. Before they knew what had happened, the troop were three men down and in danger of getting overrun. To add insult to injury, Andy son-of-Jack, in his attempt to tackle the threat of the bees, accidently hacked down Sir Rob of Illiard. Then, less than five minutes later, Andy son-of-Jack was shot by an invisible sniper and broke his leg, leaving the party to continue the fight without him. Thankfully Sir Bill knows how to do Andy’s job and stepped up to fill the breach.

Fearing defeat, Merplim the Wizard and Morty the Jester decided to tackle the swarm of bees in one-on-one combat. The new tactic appeared to slow the bees and even the bandit (who was also magical and had cast a crushing spell on Sir Rob of Illiard), was forced to take a backward step. Seeing this, the troop launched themselves onto their opponents and Sir Lifts-a-lot, managed to take down one of the enemies with a completely deliberate skill and without a hint of luck.

For some reason, the bystander blew his horn again so both teams withdrew for a quick mini-feast and catch-up. Andy the One-Legged and Scott (just Scott – they can’t all be knights), who had very nobly been keeping seats in the camp warm whilst watching the battle, kept spirits up in the troop. Sir Andy son-of-Jack attempted to cure Sir Rob of Illiard of the man-crush using Black Magic, but this only served to enhance the spell and piss-off the troop. Another random horn sounded, so they marched back onto the field.

The continued one-on-one tactics kept the bees and the bandit at bay. However, as the battle drew out and the sun began to set, the combatants drew tired. Seeing this, the bandit launched a daring attack and tomahawked his way through two of our noble party. The bandit then fled back into the town. The swarm of bees trailed in his wake and Sir Rob of Illiard skipped along behind.

As he wiped the sweat from his brow, Prince Tew surveyed the battleground. He saw that five of his party had been lost to the bandit’s one. So, whilst they had not defeated the threat, they had certainly weakened them and shown strong resolve. The troop returned to camp and Merplim explained how best to patch their wounds with unconventional uses of teabags and a tea tray.

As the brave knights settled down to a well-earned feast, Morty the Jester spotted something approaching rapidly from the east. It seems the troop will have to wait a little while longer before they get enjoy ale and sleep. 

To be continued…


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